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Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in the "saorsacat" journal:
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07:04 pm
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New Years Thoughts and response to purlemagda
I read purplemagda's journal and it added to the multitude of thoughts that have been swimming in my head for the past 3 months. I too am depressed to be a survivor, but I am also a lost soul. Last November 2006, I was in great shape. I had lost 200 lbs with a gastric bypass surgery and was walking 2 miles everyday, lifted weights 2 days a week and did yoga at least 2-3 times a week. I had a great relationship with myself and my higher power. Then I started feeling weak. I was tired all the time. I went to the doctor and he said I was severely anemic..
I had an upper and lower GI to make sure that nothing "came loose" in my bypass surgery and the doctors found a large bleeding ulcer sitting on top of a large growth. When the doctors used the word cancer, I freaked. Almost everyone in my dad's family has died of cancer. Luckily, I had surgery right away and had 1/2 of my colon taken out. Then, I had to go through the chemo. I hated it and grumbled - I felt like shit all the time and yet, like purple - I would strap on my pump and go out to eat with a friend or go shopping. I was blessed (truly) that my work let me have an unlimited leave of absence with pay. Then as days turned to weeks and then to months - Things started becoming routine. - doctor visit after doctor visit, seeing my therapist, going to chemo, - my disease became my life and everything revolved around appointments, medications and 3 stays in the hospital for clotting and adverse reactions to blood thinners. After almost dying in surgery, I was saying - Thank you God, You saved me for some reason, some purpose. At the same time, I was told not to exercise - I needed to rest so my body would repair itself, That I needed to gain weight because my bodyweight had gotten too low and I was too weak to handle the Chemo. I moved through life like a zombie for months. I would go to chemo and feel so sorry for myself - then would watch them roll in a young kid that weighed about 75 lbs and was the color green - he had almost no veins left strong enough to handle the chemo and would sit there death-like as they pushed and poked on him. His mother would stand in the background and cry - knowing that he would not be around much longer. I would watch him - almost staring , thinking how shallow I was to feel pity for myself. How dare I?
Then the great day came - no more Chemo - 3months later , clear pet scans. Back to work full time. No more doctors appointments. But Instead of feeling grateful, I felt nothing... I still feel nothing. I don't want to work, I don't want to exercise, I have no interests in my art, music or video games. I got married and though I love my new husband dearly - I just want to be alone most of the time. I just eat , drink, and watch tv and feel sorry for myself. I take wonderful "cocktails" of medications for depression and anxiety but I never feel any different. Then what purple said hit me ...I feel guilty, I lived, I have only minor Chemo flareups now (left foot goes to sleep and some days I have no memory or I stutter alot...) but that beautiful young man is dead. Why? Why did my higher power warn me so early in my disease? Why did he spare me in the operating room when i almost bled to death? But more importantly, why in the hell am I so discontent and I can't seem to move forward? Why do I wallow in self pity and in my addictions and why do I feel like I have just given up on life in general? I don't feel anymore - and in saying that - - do I really exist anymore? I should be running marathons and leaping from rooftop to rooftop praising God for the miracle he gave me.. I should stop everyone on the street and tell them how great it is to be alive. Yet here I sit ... alone. dead inside. exhausted. Why did I live? What does God want from me. . . Which direction should I be going in? I am alive. God gave ME a second chance ...TWICE, and I wallow in self pity and addiction and ANGER. and I don't know why in the hell I do. I WANT to live - I want to move on, but I don't know how. I'm not sure what to do without 3 doctor apointments a week. I can't deal with trying to figure out what to eat , after my meals had been made for me for months.
Thank you, purple, for sharing, and helping me see I'm not crazy or alone. Others out there are struggling too. I wonder why they work so hard to get us through the Cancer, but then release us and never tell us how to go on and start living again.....
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated and thank you for letting me rant. It kinda felt good. :)
Current Mood:  contemplative
Tags: cancer, cancer survivor, depression, self searching
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11:23 am
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searching
In the past, I always knew who I was.... Otto's little girl, Peter's wife, Christina's and Jimi's mom. Now I am unknown. So much has happened to me that I feel like an open wound and totally lost.
Last year I searched diligently for who I was - what i was and found myself getting healthier and stronger... centered Physically, mentally and spiritually. I was eating right, walking 2 miles everyday and doing yoga 2x a week and weight lifting 2x a week. Then I was diagnosed with Cancer. I had surgery and 12 rounds of chemo where I had no energy, layed around and cried and developed severe blood clots. Totally I was hopitalized 4 times and almost died once on the operating table. Major shit like that can change a person. I was given a CLEAR diagnosis this month, but that has scared me more than my disease. It means that my life is no longer planned by the doctors visits and therapy. I simply have to step out and live my life now...The main thing that changed in me was that I no longer wish to be identified as a part of someone elses personna. I am Toni, I am the Cat - but I am not So and so's whatever. (Though I do love to be refered to as Autumn and Levi's granma! :) ) I am also no longer a doormat - you need to wipe your feet ?- go outside. Now, please don't get me wrong, I still love people, my family - friends, and I would do anything that I can to help you. But when you cross the line - I have learned to say no!
So what's the problem? I sit around my house with my bad self and do nothing, Why - cause I don't know what to do.. I love to do illumination and calligraphy, but the people in my local SCA group are a bunch of ass kissing politico machines. I love to write, but everything I write eventually turns into a rant. I even get pissy with my new husband... "I have a cold, get me some tea, whine whine" get it yourself - I am no one's slave anymore. I don't want to decorate for christmas, I don't want to go Christmas shopping for presents that no one really wants and I can't afford. I don't want people giving me presents that I end up giving away to someone else. It's too commercial.
Tradition was always a big thing in my life. As a child, We always went to my mom's mom (mammaw's) and celebrated my grandfather's birthday (dec 24) and then we would get to have a grand christmas party. We would come home and Santa would come.. Not only did he bring me presents - but they were layed out and set up. The table and chairs set with a tea set and tea and small cakes on the plates. The doll house put together - furniture in it's place. I was always so overwhelmed by the large amount of things that I received I didn't know what to do first. My dad would get so angry at me and say that I was unappreciative and then Christmas would go downhill from there.
When my kids were born, I said that I would never do that to them. Santa brought 3 presents - one for each of the wise men and the kids had to give up 3 old toys to a charity, so that the poor children would have something for christmas too. Every year I would pull out my special white paper and large green and red bows and santa stickers and wrapped up the Santa presents (tina was red - Jimi green). I tried to make it magical, mystical for them. Then when Tina went off to College, I left. Christmas was a big question mark. I lived in a tiny studio apt - my tree was 1 foot tall. My boyfriend saw how upset I was, and strung the whole living area with christmas lights and made a huge tree on the wall by nailing lights on the wall in a tree shape. Yes, CHristmas is VERY important - I didn't realize how much until I did not have one.
After my second husband left me... I started looking at the Christmases at my house - everyone came, but no one seemed happy - I would cook a grande meal but everyone had already eaten 2-3 christmas dinners by then. We would open up presents, but most of us really didn't have the money to spend on presents. Christmases for the past 5 years have sucked. I just want to see my family, sit around tell stories, listen to music, maybe have some cake or pie. I don't want a box wrapped up with a thing inside - I want us to share a piece of ourselves with each other, I discovered through my illness, that life is too short to just pretend - go through the motions. That we need to be tere for each other - love one another - and that is the true meaning of Christmas.
So this Christmas, my grand daughter and I will put up the tree. I will look at each old ratty ornament with all the love i have ,remembering the ghosts of christmas past....I will remember the ghost of Christmas present - My beautiful daughter finally sounding happy and content ( the best present I could ever have), The sweet , soft, gentle love of a new grand child growing in my dear daughter in laws belly. The glow and smile I see in my son's eyes everytime he looks at his wife. The silly giggly time I have with my granddaughter anytime I see her... The strength, warmth and safety I feel every time my husband holds me in his arms and the peace I feel when he tells me that he loves me - and I know that he really does.
It is time for me to change - to be the strong independent woman my higher power made me to be, to be the compassionate giver that I know that I am, to let go of the stereotypes of the past and become Toni (who ever the hell that is).
Happy holidays to all... and peace out!
Current Mood: contemplative
Tags: cancer survivor, self searching, traditions
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08:25 am
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Help, I need input about a post-cancer chemo problem....
Hi, My name is Toni and I am a Colon Cancer survivor. I am 48 years old. In Dec 2006 they found stage 2 colon cancer and it was removed - Every test that I have taken shows that I am cancer free... yeah! But here is the problem. I had a portacath put in in January and started a 12 round series of Chemo. In March, I developed 2 large bloodclots related to the porta cath and was hospitalized to have a blood thinner administered. I started bleeding internally and almost died. I had to have 3 blood transfusions. They took me off blood thinners and kept in the portacath. A month ago I found two more blood clots and because I can not take any blood thinners - they took out the portacath and since I had 2 chemos left, inserted a PIC line. Threre is now a blood clot that has developed at the sight of the picline and I am constantly in severe pain. My fiance woke me up two nights ago and I was sobbing in my sleep. The thought of having another picline put in next week for my last chemo has me totally frustrated. I am so tired of this and the last 3 tests that I have taken (including a colonoscopy) have all come back clear. I want to refuse the last chemo.... If I do this how will it effect future testing and or treatments??? Am I being unreasonable - and I taking a chance with my life or am I taking my life back....???? I need all the advice I can get. Please help me. Thank you.. Toni
Current Mood:  aggravated
Tags: cancer survivor, chemotherapy
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07:24 pm
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My first journal
Hi to all, I am starting my journal today. I will start with a short log of myself and will add more later. I live in Alabama, Have been for over 20 years, but was born in Mississippi. I am the daughter of a mom who had to work so we had food to eat and a father who drank all the time and beat up my mother until I was old enough for him to beat me. I have been married 2 times (the first husband I left because he emtionally and verbal abused me - the second I kicked out because he slept with half of Madison county). I will be getting married again in October (Ken is the only man I have ever been with that makes me feel safe and takes care of me). I love music and dancing (ballroom dancing - belly dancing and tap). I think that is my biggest love other than my fiance. I also love doing illumination for the SCA.
I used to be 362 lbs when I was married to my second husband. I had gastric Bypass on Sept 21 - 2004 and to date have lost 212 lbs. After being extremely tired all the time, my doctor said I was very anemic and ordered an upper and lower GI because I had had the bypass and he wanted to make sure that "nothing came loose". While inside me, the doctors found a bleeding ulcer (the reason for the anemia) but also found colon cancer - stage 2. I was admitted and had the cancer removed in Dec 2006. All tests are showing that I am cancer free, but I am still in Chemo for 6 more rounds.
In addition to this I am a cross addict, with food and spending as my most current problems. I was an alcoholic - but have now been dry for over a year.
I would love to correspond with anyone who can relate to me in anyway.
May your Higher Power love, protect, and keep you all.
Cat (my nickname) (BTW, saorsa is scottish gaelic for FREEdom)
Current Mood:  indifferent
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saorsacat's journal